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Author Topic: Duo Paradise-A Novel By Big Duo Enthusiest  (Read 3733 times)
Big Duo Enthusiest
Big Duo, Big Duo Kaizer Duo Trinity-not bigo.d.f.
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« on: July 29, 2007, 11:26:04 AM »

Ok, so as I said Before, if you look back at the concept art for Big Duo, you can see how much more powerfull Big Duo could have been. So with my love for Big Duo and the wanting of a third season or some sort of continuation-hare comes my short story wich is NOT called Duo Paradise (I typed that for space reasosn) but it would be called Big O, Big Duo, Big Duo Inferno, Kaizer Duo Trinity-All Megadeuses all out Attack Battle on Paradigm Soil. NOTE: IF YOU HAVE ANY RECOMENDATIONS, PLEASE TELL ME AND MAYBE I CAN INCORPORATE IT INTO THE STORY AND CAN GIVE THE CREDIT.
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CHAPTER ONE: Paradigm Redesigned
     "My name is Roger Smith. I play an imortant roles in this city that was once Matthattan. The rest of the world has become a waste land and Matthatan became our paradise. And even though I live every day meaningfull and keeping it in my memory, I feel a gap in my memory."
     Roger was asleep, Norman was asleep, and Dorothy was asleep-but she was dreaming. Three Red Megaduses, one black megaduse, the world renewed. Dorothy woke up, startled. There was piano playing-and it was Roger at the keys. "Well Dorothy, how do you like that?". Dorothy just stared emotionless,"It is as annoying as you say it is, Roger." Roger just breathed heavily and walked into the kitchen. Breakfast was served. Another serving of Eggs, Rolls, and a new side dish, ham.  Dorothy had the first word,"What are dreams?". "Dreams," Roger replied,"are a frigment of the imagination. But people claim to tell the future by their dreams." Roger cleaned off his plate. "What if I told you that I had a dream?" "Impossible. You are an android. You are nothing but a machine that represents life through artificial intelegence." said Norman, finaly breaking his train of scilence.
     The griffin was going through a bridge untill he turned on the radio frequency. Daustin was talking saying," The megadeuse is over at the JFK Mark." Roger was speaking in his mind. "I know what JFK is, John F. Kenedy. But I keep having this sense of DejaVu. And I feel that in my sense of DejaVu, I wasn't aware of what JFK ment. My memories are messing with my mind again."
     Roger was sent to Alex Rosewater's office for a negotiation job. "I need you to give a pay check to a Michael Seaboch. We want a manuscript that he has been writing. He may be a crazy oldman, but the papers want it so badly. He claims he has a spot in his memories that he just now was filled. Made no sense." Alex Rosewater was the president of Paradigm City. And he wasn't a man wanting power. He just runs it amd makes sure everything works out to a good end.
     And his assistant wasn't important. But she did want to be rich. Her name was Angel. But it didn't make sense. None of the people were like this before. But I have always known them to be this way. So, I pondered. I feel like I got a gap in my memory, and maybe this Michael Seabach had the same thing. I hear many things about this Michael character. He was a smart guy, a philosopher of sorts. Would study the human brain, theology, and would read the Bible. But he always though that there was another ultimate truth other than what the Bible proclaims. He was a mad man.

CHAPTER TWO: Enemy is another Big
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DOMON KASSHU!
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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2007, 06:16:14 PM »

You have a lot of minor problems that really need to be solved. Things like punctuation, moving dialog and shifting it around... Some of the things you say seem like they could be cool, but it's annoying to read that little chapter for a few reasons.

One, it's far too short to be a "chapter." Minor nitpick, but humour me. And two, all those periods, especially when inappropriately placed and breaking down sentences when they could stand to be longer makes the flow of the story very short, almost staccato and difficult to read.

All in all, good effort, but you have a lot of work to do on this short first before writing a novel.
War.
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This hand of mine is burning red! Its loud roar tells me to grasp victory!

Erupting... Burning... FINGER!!
paul1290
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« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2007, 06:51:43 PM »

Some problems with punctuation and spelling, but otherwise the story itself is good.
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Galatea
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« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2007, 02:25:37 AM »

Punctuation and spelling dude! Didn't you go to skool?
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Big Duo Enthusiest
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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2007, 03:11:05 AM »

Wow, I don't have much time to fix stuff. And yes. But when you try to type fast, you tend to make typos.
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DOMON KASSHU!
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« Reply #5 on: August 01, 2007, 03:20:35 AM »

Well enough, man, and understandable, but your story is very much broken into fragments. Try to make your paragraphs a little longer, try to make the sentences flow a little better. I like the idea you have going so far, but I'm suggesting ways to make your writing even better.
War.
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This hand of mine is burning red! Its loud roar tells me to grasp victory!

Erupting... Burning... FINGER!!
Big Duo Enthusiest
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« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2007, 05:21:25 AM »

Ok, I have been thinking. Don't worry. The chapters will get a whole lot longer. The little gaps and plots wholes will be filled soon. Till then, I hope you like chapter two!

Chapter Two: The Enemy is Another Big

                    Roger is on top of a giant submarine. Big-O's Neck protectors opens up and Roger Jumps out with his main coat off. It was verry cold out side. "Michael!" In front of Roger and Big-O was another robot. The police called it a megaduce, but a robot dosen't have the arms extend behind the middle arm wich connects the arm from the Megadeuce's body. The oposing megadeuse has a memmy like apperance, but mountain purple eyes in the shape of diamonds. But all of a sudden thunderous explosions were heard and Roger jumped back into Big-O. The Paradigm Defence Force was engaging the enemy! The mummy Megadeuse was shot at but the bandaging wouldn't break, only wear it out. The mummy suddenly spewed out enticles out of it's right hand and it swirled the tanks in the air as it someone was tossing around a wreking ball by it's long chain. Then the mummy disconnects the tenticles and the tanks in mid-air fall into the left hand wich looked like a saw was spinning. There was an explosion, but the blades were not damaged. The mummy turned around and was facing Big-O. The mummy jumped into the air at enough of a length at it was going to land onto our hero. But Big-O unleashed it's abdomen and breast plate guns and started fireing at it and....

SORRY HAVE TO TYPE THE REST TOMMAROW.
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DOMON KASSHU!
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« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2007, 07:07:01 AM »

It's been nearly a week and no more stuff. Also, why the sudden switch from past to present tense? And your actions seem all over the place, one second we're focusing on what Big O is doing, next on what the police are saying... Fix this, please!
War.
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This hand of mine is burning red! Its loud roar tells me to grasp victory!

Erupting... Burning... FINGER!!
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