Paradigm Hearts!

[shadowdorothy]

note paradigm hearts is my first crossover. kingdom hearts and big o mix.

unknown:wake up Dorothy, wake upalready!
"What?" Dorothy opens her eyes to find she is surroded in blackness, sits bolt upright,"whats going on here? where am i?"
unknown: you don't know?
"well no"
unkown: look around you.
"theres nothing here, just darkness."
unknown: oh really look again.
Dorothy is completely bemussed as to what the strange voice means. "what kind of answer is that? and why can't i see you? or anything but darkness for that matter?" ,wishpers under breath," maybe my optical senors are malfucntioning?" suddenly a white light appears in front of Dorothy so bright that she has to sheild her eyes from it. "whats going on?" uncovering her eyes Dorothy sees herself the day of her fathers funeral over a year ago*gasps* starts walking towards that not so far off memory.
unknown: no don't walk through that light!
"why not? this is all an illusion isn't it?"
unknown:no this is very real
"then why do i see a memory of myself?" Dorothy is to puzzled to care anymore.
unknown:you really don't know where you are? why am i even bothering to help you????do you even know why your here?
"no"
unknown: well your here because your to be the new keyblade master, or supposed to be anyway
Dorothy is wondering why she should get a weapon "whats a keyblade?"
unknown: well the keyblade is.........
Roger's voice:Dorothy, R. Dorothy Wanyeright get up this instant!!!!!
Dorothy opens her eyes again to see Roger and Norman hovering over her "what happened?"
Roger "you fainted."
"What?" sits bolt upright "how?"
Roger "were not sure, maybe Norman should check you out and make sure your ok."
Dorothy "yea that might be a good idea, to many strange things have happened to day already."
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so what do you guys think so far?

[Professor Vogler]

There needs to be...you know.... spell-check and grammar-check.

Aside from that, it's so-so.

[shadowdorothy]

yea. i did use spell check. guess it didn't work so great.lol more latter.

[Xel]

It seems odd to me that spellcheck wouldn't catch a typo like "bemussed," or "malfucntioning," or "sheild," but for the rest of it, I can sort of see why spellcheck wouldn't work. Most of your mistakes are homonyms, like two/too/to, which all sound the same, but have very different proper usages.

If you were writing a serious fic with the intent on publishing it on FF.Net or something (those who are familiar with FFN will probably tell me that this sentence is an oxymoron, though), I would suggest a beta-reader to help you with those snags. However, I'm not certain that that's the case. Google "homonyms" and "commonly misused words" to educate yourself a bit more on that, since I don't think spellcheck will be able to help you, since the words are technically all correct--they're just the wrong ones.

As for my two cents on how to make this a better fic: consistent spelling and punctuation are an absolute must. Also, lose the script format, and break it up into paragraphs rather than keeping it as one huge block of text. Those things highly detract from its readability. I see a rather desperate need for more/richer description, and also for a closer examination of how Dorothy really talks and acts. To do this, you could rewatch episodes of the show and attempt to emulate her personality as best you can. That's what I do when I write Big O fic (or when I participate in The Big-Oh! RPG right here on CoA!), and it works wonders.

[Galatea]

sorry dude *vomits blood*

[shadowdorothy]

*ignores galatica*

Norman: the seems to be nothing wrong with you miss Dorothy.
Dorothy: Are you sure? Shouldn't you check again--
Roger: Dorothy he's checked your systems twice now. will you just tell us whats wrong?" Roger is getting impatient at this point and thinks that Dorothy is hiding something and not going to tell them.
"you wouldn't believe me if i told you." Dorothy's thoughts start to wonder *and they wouldn't either*
Norman: "and why not miss Dorothy?" even Norman is getting antsy about what might be bothering Dorothy.
Dorothy: "Well it's just that...."
----------
Roger:"So thats whats bothering you? Dorothy that was just a dream, humans get them all the time it's nothing to worry about." Roger is extremely relieved at this strange revelation.
Norman: "yes miss Dorothy, just a dream nothing to worry about." Norman seems to be echoing Rogers sentiment.
"I do hope your right"
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again in darkness () "Heheheeh, she has taken the bait, soon she will be ours!"

[Bllue]

do you type this up on word first? It would really help. Also, read it aloud to yourself. And i mean out loud. I am in higher placement english, so we always are being bombarded with college level writing tips. I'n that last post, it was difficult to notice that you were trying to carry a conversation. Were you just in a rush?And, don't be offended, please, but I have the feeling you relie on dialogue far too much. I must ask how old you are.... but you don't have to answer...

[Xel]

do you type this up on word first? It would really help. Also, read it aloud to yourself. And i mean out loud. I am in higher placement english, so we always are being bombarded with college level writing tips. I'n that last post, it was difficult to notice that you were trying to carry a conversation. Were you just in a rush?And, don't be offended, please, but I have the feeling you relie on dialogue far too much. I must ask how old you are.... but you don't have to answer...

This is all very good advice, save for the age question (which isn't really advice, I guess XD), because oftentimes a person is never too young to take steps to become a better writer. So yes, shadowdorothy, I suggest you heed Bllue's advice and my own in a previous post.

[DOMON KASSHU!]

Spell check, punctuation, proper pacing of dialogue. All these are musts, and if this is a fan fiction, then dropping the script style dialogue would make this so much better and easier to get involved in. As it stands, I'm kind of bored, and honestly repulsed from it.
War.

[Gummi]

I agree with the criticisms above. I'd also like to add something...elaborate! If you want to really connect with the reader please add description, even something as simple as describing where this is taking place, what the characters look like (of course we all know what Dorothy looks like but good writers may never assume anything). Although in Fan Fiction we are already dealing with established characters, and your readership will consist of people who are intimately familiar with these characters some of the best fan fictions I've read are written so that even a person not familiar with the series can understand and enjoy them.

In your passage I am not sure who the narrator is. It's fine to open with a conversation between characters but when you are writing a story try to narrate, illustrate the manner of speech, exactly what is the tone of voice of the characters in this conversation? You do not have to do this for every line but give an idea of what they sound like. Clearly define for the reader who these characters are.

I hope this helps a little with your writing. I believe that it is a very interesting concept if handled well it could be very good. Just try to remember to describe and elaborate for the reader so we get a clear picture. As I'm sure you'll find most of the best stories you've read are very well detailed.  Good luck on your writing. 

[shadowdorothy]

uh bllue I'm in higher placement English. the thing is i write very well when i feel like it, other times it's just crap and mind spurts that come to me. and relax gummi! the third installment shall be much better with the descriptions 'k.

[Tifaria]

uh bllue I'm in higher placement English. the thing is i write very well when i feel like it, other times it's just crap and mind spurts that come to me. and relax gummi! the third installment shall be much better with the descriptions 'k.

Hmm.  Well, the thing is, if you feel that your writing is "crap and mind spurts" some of the time, then you have to wonder why anyone would want to read it.  You've already gotten several very kind, useful criticisms of your writing and made no effort to fix any of it or heed the advice given, so I have to wonder why we should bother reading further installments. 

[DOMON KASSHU!]

uh bllue I'm in higher placement English. the thing is i write very well when i feel like it, other times it's just crap and mind spurts that come to me. and relax gummi! the third installment shall be much better with the descriptions 'k.

Hmm.  Well, the thing is, if you feel that your writing is "crap and mind spurts" some of the time, then you have to wonder why anyone would want to read it.  You've already gotten several very kind, useful criticisms of your writing and made no effort to fix any of it or heed the advice given, so I have to wonder why we should bother reading further installments. 

This. This is being bolded and quoted for emphasis.
War.

[shadowdorothy]

ok i'll fix it, will take some time though.

[shadowdorothy]

As Dorothy is leaving the hanger she begins to feel something, apprehension perhaps? well this must be what Roger meant by fear, for if I had emotions I certainly would be scared right now.
---------------
Roger: "Norman are you sure shes ok?"
Norman: "yes all her systems are functioning properly. why do you ask?" even though Norman thinks something may be wrong, he does not think it is serious.
Roger: "I'm not sure"
----------------
In a place unexplored and ignored by the average human seven dark figures hide away planing something as yet unknown.
(?A): So she has discovered her powers?
(?B): It would seem that way
(?C): shouldn't we destroy her while we still have a chance?
the voice that talked to Dorothy in the darkness is among the seven and has chosen to keep quite, till C talks of Dorothy's destruction (?D): No! we can not destroy her, or have you forgotten we need her for our plan? and mine as well. hehe
(?E): to right we do Saenie, can't easily open the door with out her!
(?F): Oi' shut it Wreyn! But it is true we do need her to open the door to kingdom hearts, after what that darned Sora boy did to it anyway.
A new person, not with the group emerges (?): Is that what you little fools where planing? To open the door the Kingdom Hearts?
The teens turn around  to see their worst nightmare, and in a course caused by fright they shout in unison: Maleficent?
(?A): What is she doing here!
Wreyn: Run mates 'fore she gets us!
Maleficent: "I have no intention of hurting you fools, I only came here to see my niece." turning to one of the young folk in the group "Saenie?"
(?G) with a trembling voice: You, your related to the Dragon Witch?
Saenie: Well hello Auntie Maleficent, how have you been?
Maleficent: I could have fared better. I have taken over the abandoned castle in the world that once housed that confounded organization. And a piece of advice, trying to use a Keyblade wielder to your advantage is useless, trust me I tried to use Sora and that didn't turn out so well.
Saenie is snarling all the while, but manages to get a tart response in: You can have that weird little castle. Oh don't worry about me Auntie, I can take care of my self!
Maleficent: "Fine, but you had best heed my warning." and with that she disappears into a cloud of darkness.
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Dorothy's sense of apprehension is growing as she enters the elevatorI think i will go to my room for now